Hey Colin Farrell, You SUCK in Bed!

As some of you may know, Colin Farrell's sex tape with playmate Nicole Narain (pictured off to the right with clothes and way too much make-up on...) was leaked onto "teh intarweb" lately, allowing us to laugh at how pathetic he is, and for other men to feel that they too, have giant penii, since everyone was talking about how massive Mr. Farrell's manhood was up until this was leaked. (For those of you who do not know, Farrell is about consistent with what urologists find to be the average size: 5.25 inches).

I don't even know where to start when talking about this trainwreck of a video. First off, you must keep in mind that this is filmed during the filming of the film Daredevil, so CF is bald, and has a ridiculous goatee, as pictured here. Second, Farrell is Irish, and has a horrendous accent, which will make you want to run up a wall, or just simply punch him in the face, in the hopes of inflicting enough musculoskeletal trauma to make him physically incapable of saying "Fookin' Byoootahfulll" ever again.

So anyway, onto the video itself. It starts out with both of them naked, and Colin presumably has the cam, and films himself lightly stroking his member while Nicole is running around the apartment (which is absolutely horrendous, by the way). She eventually turns on the TV and starts flipping through the channels. Right away, you know the video is going to suck when Farrell is talking about how turned on he is, and the girl just starts watching TV. I mean, when your girl would rather watch TV than fuck you, that's a really, really good indicator of how much you suck at sex. When Nicole asks him what he wants to watch, he immediately replies, "Porn!" and then utters one of the many great (and by great I mean horrendously bad) lines of this film: "I Fookin Live On Porn, What're You Talkin Bout?!?".

Eventually, Nicole decides she can't just watch TV forever and must actually have sex. This is when one of the worst blow jobs in the history of film takes place. I mean, it is just mind-bogglingly bad. Before she even starts, Farrell asks for lube. That is by far the weirdest request pre-bj I've ever heard. Nicole was totally confused too, which is why he dropped the idea probably... Anyway, eventually she gets down to business... She sits there, and essentially starts picking through his pubes constantly, and stops to pick them out of her mouth. She probably spends just as much time dealing with CF's pubes as she does with his dong. Let me point out that Farrell does nothing but keep saying, "You are sooo fooking byootiful!" or some variant of that phrase, this entire time. He says this at least 20 times throughout the course of one minute. You can tell Nicole was getting irritated by it, which is the funny part.

Eventually Farrell decides that he wants to have sex. At this point, he shifts the camera's focus directly onto his wang, zooms in, and declares, "This... is... for you... babeee!" At 5:20 we have insertion, and while Nicole starts moaning like the professional ho that she is (clearly fake, in case you didn't get that), Farrell's biggest concern is turning on the light so he can get a better view of his dick inside Nicole. One thing that is almost immediately clear is that our boy has serious control issues. You can tell immediately, if you're a guy anyway, that the rythym he is establishing (and constantly breaking), is all designed to prevent him from finishing early. He shifts positions almost immediately; another trick guys utilize to gain those extra thirty seconds. It becomes fairly clear that he's done at 7:20, two whole minutes. Ladies, you should start lining up to double your minuteman pleasure with this guy.

But at least after he busts his nut, he'll go down on you. And when he does, he'll say the most asinine crap ever. He actually utters this gem: "Holy fook, mah breakfast, lunch, and fookin dinnuh right here. I'm not even fookin' jokin." At one point he starts trying to screw her with his tongue or something, which is kinda funny to watch, because he's thusting his face into her. The most amusing part is at one point, throughout her faked moaning, she bursts out into uncontrolled laughter, and at that moment it because clear that he has somehow become successful at tickling her. Yes, while performing cunnilingus, CF managed to tickle her. After a few seconds, CF stops, and they end the tape. For breakfast, lunch, and "fooking dinnuh" CF sure eats quickly.

Anyway, the main point about this video is that as a porno, it sucks. If you are already aroused, I would be willing to bet that it would end whatever feelings of arousal you had very quickly, and abruptly. Unless, of course, you're an avid pube-fishing fan or something. As a comedy short film, however, this video shines. CF definitely could have a career in comedy, because this video is hilarious. You will find yourself laughing out loud while watching this, and maybe later in the day you will find yourself spontaneously bursting into laughter when you think about it.

At the end of the film, Colin asks, "What should we do with this tape?" Well Mr. Farrell, I'd advise you to market it as the smash comedy hit of the summer this year, and make some money. Because after your extremely, how should we say... lacking, performance here, you'll need lots and lots of money to get any more "breakfast, lunch, and fooking dinnuh."

I leave you with some more great quotes from the C-Man:

If a Fookin' camera could blush, this thing'd be fookin red!

It's like you've gone fishin' for fucking pubes! What the fook's wrong with you?!

Holy Shit, I didn't know they made bastards as sexy as you, man! Haha!

This is the shabbiest fookin photography in the history of fookin' porn, but you know what!? I could give fook.

(Talking to Nicole's hoo-ha) She's fooking gorgeous!! What'd you do?! What'd you implant?! Shut the fook up!