My Drunken Friends

Lately, it seems like all my friends do is drink way too much, and that would be fine, I suppose, if it were not for the fact that they turn into belligerent morons with the maturity of 5 year old kids severely in need of a beating or a whole bottle full of Ritalin; preferably both.

Now, I'm sure you're probably saying, "But Angry French Guy, 20-something, mature, college-going adults can't be that bad, right?" Well, you'd be completely wrong. Not only would you be wrong, but... well, you'd be wrong. I think I'll just use last night as a prime example of the stupidity I am forced to endure.

I get a call from my friend, who I'll just call Henry, to avoid using real names here, everyone will have a fake name, and he tells me, "Dude, we're at this banging party at Penelope's house. You should totally come!" So, after spending an additional 20 minutes chatting with people on AIM/MSN, I get in my car at 12:15 AM and drive off.

When I arrive, I am greeted by a shot glass of Skyy vodka, and all my friends are pretty much drunk already. So, I grab a beer since I can just nurse that thing for awhile and act like I'm drinking heavily, instead of having my friends yell at me to play "catch-up" (drink like 10 shots in 5 minutes basically). I'm not even there for 5 minutes before people start doing idiotic things. First, Penelope and Christy get into a huge fight, because Christy thought that Penelope was ignoring her, when she was not. Then, Henry, who had just watched Old School the night before, starts shouting, "We're Going Streaking! We're going streaking!", and then Dan decided to join in on his shouts. Then, they run outside, and are still shouting it. So, I look outside out of sheer morbid curiousity, and I see that Henry has removed his shirt, and was working on unbuttoning his pants. So I exclaim, "Oh wow, they're actually serious. I don't want to see this" and then take a swig of the beer. So, one of my other friends who's not retarded, but very... rotund..., runs outside, and proceeds to tackle Henry, and drag his sorry ass inside. In the meantime, Dan decided to start throwing off his clothes, and then someone else (me) has to drag him back inside, so they don't run around the neighborhood, frightening the old, rich, suburbanites (who are probably packing guns, and don't like what they would undoubtedly perceive as "the gays").

So now they're back inside, and decide that since they cannot do idiotic things outside, they'll just do it inside. So, they start kicking a soccer ball around the house as hard as they can, probably with the intention of breaking things. Someone puts an end to that. So, they start throwing books and papers everywhere. Someone puts an end to that. So, then decide to tackle one another on the stairs for a bit, and then they find a helmet. Eventually they decide that the helmet is of more entertainment to them if they were to throw it at each other. So, after hitting their marks, and walls, multiple times, someone puts an end to that. Eventually, everyone moves upstairs, because some genius thought that if everyone was upstairs, the neighbors were less likely to hear us. This just leads to even stupider problems.

First, Henry barges into one of the rooms, looking like he just got the shit scared out of him, and starts shouting, "Oh my God you guys! I just saw someone on the balcony! Some woman! Someone else is in this house!" Dan then starts nodding his head, indicating he saw it too. My response was some snide remark about needing to split up to look for her, and that the butcher knife in the kitchen was missing. Some people take them seriously, and start running around the house looking for the phantom woman. In the meantime, Henry tries to jump off the 20-foot balcony multiple times, but is stopped. So he and Dan find some ancient boom-box thing, and then turn that up to full volume, and start running around the house with it playing, trying to avoid the people trying to take it away from them. It's as if they were begging for MIPs, or just wanted to get Penelope's house red-tagged.

Christy, in the meantime, is crying profusely because Penelope was on the phone and told her to go away. She's screaming about how no one likes her and all this other crap. This may just be me, but if you think no one likes you, crying and screaming about it to people who you don't even really know that well is a great way to ensure that all your fears are confirmed. So now, everyone is trying to get her to shut up by shoving cigarettes in her mouth, assuming that if she's busy sucking on something (like she pretty much always is...), then she'll shut up. That plan almost worked, except that Penelope came back later, and then Christy threw the cancer-stick to the ground, and started crying some more. I spent the entire time hoping that a bus would just burst through the wall and demolish her, but alas, no such luck. For some reason, busses are surprisingly absent from situations in which they are needed in real life, and they usually appear just to make your commute slower...

So anyway, Christy and Dan end up making out on the couch, and this was Christy's life long dream apparently, because she was bragging about it to Penelope after she magically decided she wasn't completely depressed anymore. So, for the rest of the night, Dan desperately needed to pass out, but Christy wouldn't let him. She kept talking to him, smacking him, and all he could do was force out groans and sentences like, "ERghfhdhgf guaco burrito... DFHhcncf nachos... gjxmnbvcm tacos", which everyone interpretted as him being hungry. And then everyone started calling for shitty mexican food (only kind available at 3 AM), but no one was sober. This is where I came in. Since I was sober, it was up to me to provide everyone with food.

I end up driving Dan's car, and Dan and Christy, over to a taco shop some 10 minutes away. In the meantime, they both insisted on sitting in the passenger seat, despite the fact that a cop can pull you over for that, and that it just simply wasn't the greatest idea... Anyway, the entire trip basically consists of Christy yelling stuff at Dan to ensure that he doesn't simply go to sleep, which was clearly what he needed to do, but she was too selfish to just allow him to go to sleep, even though I kept yelling at her not to. He would pass out, and then she'd wake him up by screaming, "OH MY GOD, DAN, DAN, ARE YOU STILL ALIVE??? YOU'RE NOT DEAD ARE YOU?? YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, RIGHT?!?" Of course, the fact that his diaphragm was visibly contracting was not adequate proof to her that he was still alive, so she had to smack him around and wake him up every time.

After I got the food for everyone, and came back, things pretty much died down. Henry had apparently driven himself home, and managed not to wrap himself around a telephone pole somehow during that time. I'm completely against drunk driving, so it really makes me mad that people let him out onto the streets, but anyway...

So basically, I spent the entire night babysitting "adults" and ensuring that no one hurt themselves or others. I also had to endure Christy's absolute retardation, as she has the most annoying voice ever, and when she got drunk, she gets even more talkative and annoying. Also, she was showing off her I-Pod and coach bag and all this other crap earlier in the night. Now, she can't find her I-Pod, and believes someone stole it. She told her dad, and he wants to get a lawyer and file criminal charges against someone.

I really hope he does. Just so they can lose money on legal fees, and I can testify that she was drunk as fuck, and had no idea what on earth was going on for most of that night. Bitch. Anyone that goes around showing off their expensive new stuff at a party is a bona fide A) Spoiled Brat, and B) Complete and utter Moron.