Hostel Part 2 Review

So it seems like most of my successful posts around here come from my attacking movies for their shortcomings, or critiquing Collin Ferrel's sexual prowess, so I've decided to review Hostel Part 2 since Collin Ferrel hasn't been having any widely publicized sex lately.

So let's start by discussing what Hostel was. Hostel was a rather amusing movie from 2005 that essentially taught American audiences a few things about Eastern Europe, since the average American doesn't know where Eastern Europe is, much less, what it is like. So here is a sampling of the rules that the initial Hostel taught us:

• Eastern European girls are all hot.
• Eastern European girls will seduce you and then sell you to the mob for money.
• The power drill is a very versatile tool that can be used for other things than drilling into wood. For example, it can drill into human knees.
  
• Do not attempt to stand up and walk when your Achilles' tendons have been cut halfway - you'll just fully tear them and then look really pathetic trying to crawl your way to safety.
• When your fingers are cut off, you start projectile vomiting.
• Don't run with a chainsaw when there's blood on the floor - you may slip and sever your leg.
• When you sever someone's optic nerve, copious amounts of a yellow fluid with the consistency of tapioca pudding will start spewing forth from the severed nerve ending.
• Don't fuck with a gang of little kids - they'll bash your brains in.
• When you cut off someone's finger with a scalpel. they lose more blood from that than when you slit their throat.

So great, with this kind of track record, we clearly need a sequel. And what better way to create a sequel than to set it up such that every possible victim is female! Misogynistic torture is clearly what America craves now that Rosie O'Donnell is done attacking that skinny blonde chick every day.
The film starts with a bunch of girls in Rome or some other part of Italy drawing naked people for art class. And the film gets itself off to a great start by showing some guy's schlong almost immediately. The characters, who are essentially Girl 1, 2, and 3, are introduced and immediately type-casted into some sort of role. For example, Girl 1 (Beth) is more or less normal, but they make sure that you understand she is insanely wealthy and practically spoiled, Girl 2 (Lorna) is a super nerd whose nerdiness is really beyond ridiculous and knows no bounds, and Girl 3 is the token slut, played by Bijou Phillips, who does a terribly unconvincing job of being the slut by not ever getting naked in the film.

So on the train ride to Prague to do some partying over in the Czech Republic (because apparently Italian night clubs aren't cool enough, though they did correctly portray Italian men as greasy sleezebags...) they try to score some drugs from some Italian guys while nerdy girl guards her stuff, and the guys make it clear that they want to rape the girls so they book it back to their train room, and then the nerdy girl is crying because her Ipod is stolen. Some chick comes in and long boring story short, convinces them to go to Slovakia or some other former Soviet Block country - I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy hoping that the terrible dialogue would come to end. No such luck.

They arrive in Slovakia or whatever and check into some Hostel where the sleazy proprietor tells them about a party that "will be sexy good time" outside the Hostel, and the girls run off to do something, while he hands them the keys to their room. For whatever reason they just run off without their passports, which sleazy hostel guy is currently in possession of. Yeah, when I'm in some shady foreign country, I just run around without my passport too... Anyway, we watch as he runs off to some sectioned off part of the hostel and scans the passports and emails them to someone. At this point, we get one of the more amusing parts of the film - a bunch of rich guys bidding on the girls via their Treos, palms, and laptops. Finally some overly crass rich guy wins the bid, and starts shouting in exhilaration at his Asian golfing mates, who are thoroughly confused.

Now we are introduced to two characters, Douche Bag Business Guy #1 and Relucant Subordinant to DBBG#1 (Stuart). DBBG starts giving over-the-top speeches about the badasses they will undoubtedly become because they will kill some defenseless girl, while Stuart sits there nervously. Apparently he agreed to this because he hates his wife for constantly emasculating him. Boohoo.

I love you, Faticus.

To spare you some annoying details, Lora is whisked away by some fat guy that she has fallen for at the party, and he takes her on a boat ride straight to the mob, who put a bag over her head and take her to the torture center, where they strip her naked, chain up her feet and suspend her upside down. Oh yeah, they also gag her - finally, something happens that I can approve of. So they suspend her upside down over something that looks like a bathtub, and then light a bunch of candles and leave her - upside down, naked, and whimpering.

Then this crazy bitch enters:

Rawr! I will do bad things because I wear a cloak!

The she proceeds to get nekkid, and lie down underneath the also nekkid nerdy girl. She then pulls out a large scythe, and starts running it up and down the nerdy chick's naked back and buttocks, then proceeds to start hacking the shit out of her back, causing a rather inexplicable amount of blood to start pouring onto her. She's clearly getting off on all the blood and screaming that nerdy chick is doing (crazy bitch cut her gag prior to slashing her), but it's not quite enough. She then pulls out a smaller scythe, and proceeds to slice her throat open, resulting in a geyser of arterial spray.

Oh God, all this blood is so hot! (Nipples Censored to Protect the Stupid)

So we get one dead virgin nerdy girl and one crazy woman who needs blood in order to enjoy a masturbation session. She should never have fallen for that fat guy - ladies, let this be a lesson to you. Don't try hooking up with fat dudes. If you are hot, even if you are a little nerdy, hook up with slim French guys - we won't send you off to some crazy bitch. Plus, fat guys usually have diabetes, and one of my Biochem professors seemed to indicate that that was a bad thing.

So we need to get the other girls to bite it now. The slut gets captured somehow, I forget how it happened, because, to be honest, I was busy bidding on this red-headed chick on my Blackber- err, I mean, reading my emails during that part, and then the normal chick gets captured too, but they do her in an elaborate fashion. First she evades capture at the spa, and then is chased by the mob, who she evades, but trips and is accosted by a gang of random 10 year old kids, but is rescued by the train-station girl and some old guy. The old guy proceeds to have the kids perform fellatio on his gun (no, not *THAT* gun you pervs) then sticks a silencer on it, and proceeds to shoot who he falsely perceived to be the leader. Meanwhile, train-station girl takes her to her mansion, and sticks her in bed and says she'll call the cops. But, when the girl looks out the window, she sees a black hummer pull up and a ton of mob guys step out. She's been set up, oh no! But first she runs into a room filled with severed heads, including the survivor of the first movie. I was pissed because he was cool, or at least much more likable than these new characters. Anyway, she gets whisked off to the torture center, and the business guys get paged that their "clients" are ready, which causes business douche #1 to violently throw the prostitute off of him, who was in the middle of fellating him. Obviously she sucked at it (HA!).

Slovakia sucks. At least the Italian guys would buy us dinner first!

So the business guys enter, get dressed up like the torture douches that they need to be, and then start fiddling around with the knives and so forth that are in the dressing room, and the main business douche starts talking about how pyscho he's going to get and blah blah blah. Meanwhile Stuart just sits and nods his head like the timid little loser that he is. God I hate Stuart. Though I do hate the obnoxious business guy more because he acts just like someone who was in a frat. Come to think of it, I really don't like anyone in this movie.

So the whackos are escorted to their intended victims. Douche Business Guy decides to run at his screaming, and bound girl with your standard circ saw, sticking it in her face and laughing maniacally and her panicked face and muffled screams. When he lunges at her to slice her up, the cord slips out of the socket, and the saw is rendered impotent. Meanwhile Stuart is having a conversation with the bound and gagged Beth, saying he doesn't know what he's doing and why he's here, and that he's all freaked out. Should have thought about that before booking a flight to Eastern Europe for the express purpose of killing a brunette, you dumbass.

Ca-Ca-Can I... touch the boobies? Please? I'll be gentle.

Anyway, it soon becomes clear that our favorite douchebag has found an extension cord, so Bijou is pretty much screwed. Or is she? He lunges at her with the saw, and accidently cuts her forehead, causing the blade to get lodged in her skull. This clearly freaks him out, because when he sees the blood and her frantic crying/hyperventilation, he turns pale and bolts out of the room. Not such a badass now that you've seen blood, eh? The mob yells at him that he must kill her as per the contract, so he tells them to go fuck themselves. That was probably a stupid idea. The mob unleashes the hounds, so to speak, and douchebag #1 becomes Purina puppy chow for some ravenous German shepards.

Meanwhile, the mob is confused as to what to do with the half-dead girl that's sitting in a pool of her own blood (and presumably urine) in room #4, so they take some pictures of her, and try to resell her at a discount to some of the torture-aficionados currently in the facilities. Surprisingly, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales were not present. But Ruggero Deodata was, though he was too busy carving up some guy's leg for dinner. Get it! The guy directed Cannibal Holocaust, and he's busy eating people! GENIUS! Anyway, Stuart is getting pissed as Beth reminds him of his wife, plus he just saw his dead friend's bloody corpse being wheeled off, so he agrees to buy the girl, and apparently dispatches her off-camera. He comes back with Bijou's ear and ties it around Beth's neck as a keepsake from her departed friend. This obviously freaks Beth out.

When I get out of this chair, you will SIT DOWN when you pee, bitch! Do you understand me?

Beth, being the empowered female that she apparently has recently become, decides to use Stuart's obvious inferiority complex against him, and starts talking dirty to him and tells him how turned on she is by his macho-manliness. He, being the emasculated he-baby that he is, unties her, and pins her to the floor, somehow expecting some action despite the 30 pounds of clothing, including leather apron, that he is wearing. Maybe there's a slot to stick the penis through? Who knows. Anyway, he pins her to the ground and starts talking how nasty they're going to get. Beth obviously has other ideas, as she goes to grab a metal pole, and starts beating the crap out of Stuart with it. Poor Stuart.

So now Stuart is strapped to the torture chair, and Beth is poking a screwdriver into his ear to try to get him to tell her the code to open the door. So he gives in fairly quickly, Beth smashes the security camera in the room (the Russian mob isn't paying attention to the camera anyway since they are busy reading a magazine), and she enters the code. Unfortunately for her, only the mob can unlock the door. However, Beth is not only spoiled and rich, but also somewhat crafty, and decides to open Stuart's fly and place his nuts in-between a pair of hedge trimmers, while she waits for the guards to come.

When the guards come, they are greeted by the site of their paying client, Stuart's, nuts placed squarely between the pair of garden shears that Beth is wielding. They draw their guns and call their boss while Stuart yells at them to shoot her - apparently having his nuts in a vice by a woman that looks like his wife, who we are clearly notified throughout the film had his nuts in a vice, figuratively speaking, isn't too appealing to him. Anyway, the boss comes, and says that she's to die, but she says she'll pay them to allow her to kill Stuart and become a member of the torture-killer club. Being the money-grubbing bastards that they are, they talk, and she makes it clear that she is rich beyond their wildest dreams, and to prove her point, she snaps the shears shut, slicing off Stuart's johnson and balls in one graphic close-up, where they clearly built a very fake looking prosthetic male genitalia, which is followed by a gush of blood, as the guards look on in disbelief, and the boss smirks with amusement. She quips, "Let him bleed to death" and walks out of the room, while Stuart is shrieking like... well, like someone who has just been castrated.

Now Beth gets tatooed as all members of the Torture-Killer club do, and waltzes out knowing that none of her future boyfriends will ever forget to put the toilet-seat down, seeing as she just castrated some guy. But first, she has to give that train-station girl a piece of her mind. She gets those annoying little brats from the gang to steal train-station girl's purse, and then trip her. Beth is waiting patiently... with a huge battle-axe, which she uses to decapitate poor little train-station girl's head with. The kids then begin to play soccer with train-station girl's head. The end. The girl who is essentially Paris Hilton lived while everyone else died.

Does this axe go well with my Gucci?

So what did we learn from this film?

• Italian men are gross, sleazy, and will steal your Ipod even as you are guarding it.
• Anyone that claims that there are great things to do in Eastern Europe is trying to kill you.
• Don't let some weirdo keep your passport.
  
• Never fall for fat guys, much less trust them. Especially if they have a goatee.
• Some women require the blood of other women to properly get off.
  
• Weird American business guys want to kill young girls, instead of have sex with them.
  
• If you are going to kill someone with a circ-saw, makes sure you have an extension cord.
• Do whatever the Russian mob tells you to do.
• Don't attempt to have sex with someone who you were in the process of killing.
• Never keep any shears of any kind around if there is even a slim chance that an angry woman is nearby - you may lose your naughty bits.

So yes, Hostel 2 truly was a movie of epic suckitude. Maybe director Eli Roth should have included more naked women who weren't covered in blood or being tortured to balance out all the man-chicken in this film? Or, I dunno, actually try to build tension or make it scary, or throw out some attempts at dark humor, ie, make the movie not be a tremendous waste of time and $10.

My Not So Triumphant Return

So I realize that it's been an incredibly long time since I did an update. I basically got totally confused once the blogger moved over to google and couldn't figure out how to log-in, so instead of doing what any normal person would have done, and just spend the extra 10 minutes reading about what had happened, and then successfully log in, I decided to get really annoyed and just give up. After reading a friend's blog, I remembered I had an account and decided to figure things out and log back on.

There are quite a few experiences that probably would have amused some of you people out there that occurred since my last post and this one, but I don't think I'm going to bother recounting those stories. The biggest change right now is that I have been accepted to an Allopathic Medical School, which we shall just call Miskatonic University (kudos to anyone that recognizes this), as I will undoubtedly be making some jokes at its expense sometime in the near future, and it's probably best that certain people don't know about it, because I have a feeling they will not find it amusing. More to come...