Hey Colin Farrell, You SUCK in Bed!

As some of you may know, Colin Farrell's sex tape with playmate Nicole Narain (pictured off to the right with clothes and way too much make-up on...) was leaked onto "teh intarweb" lately, allowing us to laugh at how pathetic he is, and for other men to feel that they too, have giant penii, since everyone was talking about how massive Mr. Farrell's manhood was up until this was leaked. (For those of you who do not know, Farrell is about consistent with what urologists find to be the average size: 5.25 inches).

I don't even know where to start when talking about this trainwreck of a video. First off, you must keep in mind that this is filmed during the filming of the film Daredevil, so CF is bald, and has a ridiculous goatee, as pictured here. Second, Farrell is Irish, and has a horrendous accent, which will make you want to run up a wall, or just simply punch him in the face, in the hopes of inflicting enough musculoskeletal trauma to make him physically incapable of saying "Fookin' Byoootahfulll" ever again.

So anyway, onto the video itself. It starts out with both of them naked, and Colin presumably has the cam, and films himself lightly stroking his member while Nicole is running around the apartment (which is absolutely horrendous, by the way). She eventually turns on the TV and starts flipping through the channels. Right away, you know the video is going to suck when Farrell is talking about how turned on he is, and the girl just starts watching TV. I mean, when your girl would rather watch TV than fuck you, that's a really, really good indicator of how much you suck at sex. When Nicole asks him what he wants to watch, he immediately replies, "Porn!" and then utters one of the many great (and by great I mean horrendously bad) lines of this film: "I Fookin Live On Porn, What're You Talkin Bout?!?".

Eventually, Nicole decides she can't just watch TV forever and must actually have sex. This is when one of the worst blow jobs in the history of film takes place. I mean, it is just mind-bogglingly bad. Before she even starts, Farrell asks for lube. That is by far the weirdest request pre-bj I've ever heard. Nicole was totally confused too, which is why he dropped the idea probably... Anyway, eventually she gets down to business... She sits there, and essentially starts picking through his pubes constantly, and stops to pick them out of her mouth. She probably spends just as much time dealing with CF's pubes as she does with his dong. Let me point out that Farrell does nothing but keep saying, "You are sooo fooking byootiful!" or some variant of that phrase, this entire time. He says this at least 20 times throughout the course of one minute. You can tell Nicole was getting irritated by it, which is the funny part.

Eventually Farrell decides that he wants to have sex. At this point, he shifts the camera's focus directly onto his wang, zooms in, and declares, "This... is... for you... babeee!" At 5:20 we have insertion, and while Nicole starts moaning like the professional ho that she is (clearly fake, in case you didn't get that), Farrell's biggest concern is turning on the light so he can get a better view of his dick inside Nicole. One thing that is almost immediately clear is that our boy has serious control issues. You can tell immediately, if you're a guy anyway, that the rythym he is establishing (and constantly breaking), is all designed to prevent him from finishing early. He shifts positions almost immediately; another trick guys utilize to gain those extra thirty seconds. It becomes fairly clear that he's done at 7:20, two whole minutes. Ladies, you should start lining up to double your minuteman pleasure with this guy.

But at least after he busts his nut, he'll go down on you. And when he does, he'll say the most asinine crap ever. He actually utters this gem: "Holy fook, mah breakfast, lunch, and fookin dinnuh right here. I'm not even fookin' jokin." At one point he starts trying to screw her with his tongue or something, which is kinda funny to watch, because he's thusting his face into her. The most amusing part is at one point, throughout her faked moaning, she bursts out into uncontrolled laughter, and at that moment it because clear that he has somehow become successful at tickling her. Yes, while performing cunnilingus, CF managed to tickle her. After a few seconds, CF stops, and they end the tape. For breakfast, lunch, and "fooking dinnuh" CF sure eats quickly.

Anyway, the main point about this video is that as a porno, it sucks. If you are already aroused, I would be willing to bet that it would end whatever feelings of arousal you had very quickly, and abruptly. Unless, of course, you're an avid pube-fishing fan or something. As a comedy short film, however, this video shines. CF definitely could have a career in comedy, because this video is hilarious. You will find yourself laughing out loud while watching this, and maybe later in the day you will find yourself spontaneously bursting into laughter when you think about it.

At the end of the film, Colin asks, "What should we do with this tape?" Well Mr. Farrell, I'd advise you to market it as the smash comedy hit of the summer this year, and make some money. Because after your extremely, how should we say... lacking, performance here, you'll need lots and lots of money to get any more "breakfast, lunch, and fooking dinnuh."

I leave you with some more great quotes from the C-Man:

If a Fookin' camera could blush, this thing'd be fookin red!

It's like you've gone fishin' for fucking pubes! What the fook's wrong with you?!

Holy Shit, I didn't know they made bastards as sexy as you, man! Haha!

This is the shabbiest fookin photography in the history of fookin' porn, but you know what!? I could give fook.

(Talking to Nicole's hoo-ha) She's fooking gorgeous!! What'd you do?! What'd you implant?! Shut the fook up!

Go Waste Your Time!

Here's something for you to waste your time on at work: http://www.urbandead.com.

Basically, create a character, and run around the city and hide from the zombie hordes, and shoot the occasional zombie that runs around. Not the greatest thing ever, but it's amusing I guess.

Rawr.

My Drunken Friends

Lately, it seems like all my friends do is drink way too much, and that would be fine, I suppose, if it were not for the fact that they turn into belligerent morons with the maturity of 5 year old kids severely in need of a beating or a whole bottle full of Ritalin; preferably both.

Now, I'm sure you're probably saying, "But Angry French Guy, 20-something, mature, college-going adults can't be that bad, right?" Well, you'd be completely wrong. Not only would you be wrong, but... well, you'd be wrong. I think I'll just use last night as a prime example of the stupidity I am forced to endure.

I get a call from my friend, who I'll just call Henry, to avoid using real names here, everyone will have a fake name, and he tells me, "Dude, we're at this banging party at Penelope's house. You should totally come!" So, after spending an additional 20 minutes chatting with people on AIM/MSN, I get in my car at 12:15 AM and drive off.

When I arrive, I am greeted by a shot glass of Skyy vodka, and all my friends are pretty much drunk already. So, I grab a beer since I can just nurse that thing for awhile and act like I'm drinking heavily, instead of having my friends yell at me to play "catch-up" (drink like 10 shots in 5 minutes basically). I'm not even there for 5 minutes before people start doing idiotic things. First, Penelope and Christy get into a huge fight, because Christy thought that Penelope was ignoring her, when she was not. Then, Henry, who had just watched Old School the night before, starts shouting, "We're Going Streaking! We're going streaking!", and then Dan decided to join in on his shouts. Then, they run outside, and are still shouting it. So, I look outside out of sheer morbid curiousity, and I see that Henry has removed his shirt, and was working on unbuttoning his pants. So I exclaim, "Oh wow, they're actually serious. I don't want to see this" and then take a swig of the beer. So, one of my other friends who's not retarded, but very... rotund..., runs outside, and proceeds to tackle Henry, and drag his sorry ass inside. In the meantime, Dan decided to start throwing off his clothes, and then someone else (me) has to drag him back inside, so they don't run around the neighborhood, frightening the old, rich, suburbanites (who are probably packing guns, and don't like what they would undoubtedly perceive as "the gays").

So now they're back inside, and decide that since they cannot do idiotic things outside, they'll just do it inside. So, they start kicking a soccer ball around the house as hard as they can, probably with the intention of breaking things. Someone puts an end to that. So, they start throwing books and papers everywhere. Someone puts an end to that. So, then decide to tackle one another on the stairs for a bit, and then they find a helmet. Eventually they decide that the helmet is of more entertainment to them if they were to throw it at each other. So, after hitting their marks, and walls, multiple times, someone puts an end to that. Eventually, everyone moves upstairs, because some genius thought that if everyone was upstairs, the neighbors were less likely to hear us. This just leads to even stupider problems.

First, Henry barges into one of the rooms, looking like he just got the shit scared out of him, and starts shouting, "Oh my God you guys! I just saw someone on the balcony! Some woman! Someone else is in this house!" Dan then starts nodding his head, indicating he saw it too. My response was some snide remark about needing to split up to look for her, and that the butcher knife in the kitchen was missing. Some people take them seriously, and start running around the house looking for the phantom woman. In the meantime, Henry tries to jump off the 20-foot balcony multiple times, but is stopped. So he and Dan find some ancient boom-box thing, and then turn that up to full volume, and start running around the house with it playing, trying to avoid the people trying to take it away from them. It's as if they were begging for MIPs, or just wanted to get Penelope's house red-tagged.

Christy, in the meantime, is crying profusely because Penelope was on the phone and told her to go away. She's screaming about how no one likes her and all this other crap. This may just be me, but if you think no one likes you, crying and screaming about it to people who you don't even really know that well is a great way to ensure that all your fears are confirmed. So now, everyone is trying to get her to shut up by shoving cigarettes in her mouth, assuming that if she's busy sucking on something (like she pretty much always is...), then she'll shut up. That plan almost worked, except that Penelope came back later, and then Christy threw the cancer-stick to the ground, and started crying some more. I spent the entire time hoping that a bus would just burst through the wall and demolish her, but alas, no such luck. For some reason, busses are surprisingly absent from situations in which they are needed in real life, and they usually appear just to make your commute slower...

So anyway, Christy and Dan end up making out on the couch, and this was Christy's life long dream apparently, because she was bragging about it to Penelope after she magically decided she wasn't completely depressed anymore. So, for the rest of the night, Dan desperately needed to pass out, but Christy wouldn't let him. She kept talking to him, smacking him, and all he could do was force out groans and sentences like, "ERghfhdhgf guaco burrito... DFHhcncf nachos... gjxmnbvcm tacos", which everyone interpretted as him being hungry. And then everyone started calling for shitty mexican food (only kind available at 3 AM), but no one was sober. This is where I came in. Since I was sober, it was up to me to provide everyone with food.

I end up driving Dan's car, and Dan and Christy, over to a taco shop some 10 minutes away. In the meantime, they both insisted on sitting in the passenger seat, despite the fact that a cop can pull you over for that, and that it just simply wasn't the greatest idea... Anyway, the entire trip basically consists of Christy yelling stuff at Dan to ensure that he doesn't simply go to sleep, which was clearly what he needed to do, but she was too selfish to just allow him to go to sleep, even though I kept yelling at her not to. He would pass out, and then she'd wake him up by screaming, "OH MY GOD, DAN, DAN, ARE YOU STILL ALIVE??? YOU'RE NOT DEAD ARE YOU?? YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, RIGHT?!?" Of course, the fact that his diaphragm was visibly contracting was not adequate proof to her that he was still alive, so she had to smack him around and wake him up every time.

After I got the food for everyone, and came back, things pretty much died down. Henry had apparently driven himself home, and managed not to wrap himself around a telephone pole somehow during that time. I'm completely against drunk driving, so it really makes me mad that people let him out onto the streets, but anyway...

So basically, I spent the entire night babysitting "adults" and ensuring that no one hurt themselves or others. I also had to endure Christy's absolute retardation, as she has the most annoying voice ever, and when she got drunk, she gets even more talkative and annoying. Also, she was showing off her I-Pod and coach bag and all this other crap earlier in the night. Now, she can't find her I-Pod, and believes someone stole it. She told her dad, and he wants to get a lawyer and file criminal charges against someone.

I really hope he does. Just so they can lose money on legal fees, and I can testify that she was drunk as fuck, and had no idea what on earth was going on for most of that night. Bitch. Anyone that goes around showing off their expensive new stuff at a party is a bona fide A) Spoiled Brat, and B) Complete and utter Moron.